"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results"

June 2017.

I had just turned twenty, I thought every weekend was a weekend made to ruin your liver and forget your night completely. Until I got alcohol poisoning. Yup, that's right! For the very first time in my life I got alcohol poisoning. To this day the whole night is a blur, I lost my phone, threw up in a friends car, in that moment I had called someone (lets call him Bob)...He told me I told him my friends were angry with me, he said he was coming to pick me up cause I asked him too. Yet my friends dropped me home. At this time I was living with my best friend who knows me inside out, better than I know myself actually. 

One of my "friends" offered to take me inside so the other girls told her to make sure my best friend was going to look after me and she knew what had happened. Well she took me inside passed me over to my best friend while I was covered in vomit head to toe (I was an absolute disgrace). Penelope (as I'm gonna call her in this blog) rushed to the bathroom without saying a word to my best friend (I'll call her Angel). Angel asked Penelope what had happened for me to end up in such a tragic mess, Penelope said don't ask with a little giggle to end her sentence and said " I have to go the girls are waiting for me" and ran out to the car... Now in this moment you would think if your friend is a person who never throws up and can handle holding down their alcohol well, Penelope should be that friend to tell Angel how the night went make sure Angel was well informed of how I ended up in such a state?!

One Week Later. No phone. Hardly Eating. Not sure who to trust.. 

All I had to go off my night was 4 different stories from Penelope, Bob, Angel and lets call the 4th one Gem. 

- Penelope had told me my other friends from the night was just only wanting to go to town and dance. That none of them were concerned about how I was. Penelope swore to me she was only trying to help me home and make sure I was safe. 

- Angel who I have known for 8 years, was telling me Penelope had left without telling her what had happened to me. I was a mess Angel tried to shower me but I passed out in the shower. I threw up all through my bed, I was such a mess she didn't know what to do and ended up calling on my mother. 

- Bob, had no reason to lie to me at all. He told me he came out to make sure I was okay but didn't know where my house was and because my phone was lost could not get a hold of me. All he said was I was crying and my friends were angry at me. 

- Gem (the one person I held a grudge against the most over the next few months might I add). She messaged me constantly this whole week, checking up on me making sure I was okay. Told me what had happened and in all honesty was the one person I did not trust or believe. 

I stopped talking to these girls I began my night with.. all of them, I didn't trust any of them with anything. 

Two Weeks Later..

Bob and his girlfriend at the time broke up and I then had no one to talk to, so as you can guess we instantly started to hang out more. He was grieving and as you are thinking I was his rebound, and in this moment of time I was extremely vulnerable. He was quite possibly the only person I talked too, that it only seemed fitting to start liking this guy. The first time we hung out I had absolutely no make-up on, I was still recovering from my shameful night and so of course I was in my comfy clothes (that means the baggiest clothes I owned!) And yet even though this was my current situation he still just did not judge me, we started watching Prison Break together and just opened up to each other about anything and everything.

Fast forward Two Months.. 

Bob and I became an item. Bob and I thought we were happy together. It was easy, I already knew his friends. I got along with most of them, in fact Bob's best friend was actually my best friend, we would hang out and everything seemed fine but it wasn't. Something happened in the past two months that changed everything in our relationship... My head space changed. I was unhappy about everything in my life, I thought I had no one, I hated my job, I felt judged while dating Bob from the girls in his friend group, I started not liking my living situation, I was still receiving text messages from a ex I had a toxic relationship with, so toxic I got anxiety from our relationship. I started having the worst negative thoughts in a short space of time, I started dropping my appearance and if you knew me this is a big deal because I love spending time on my hair and make-up. And then just when I thought I got over my anxiety in March...it was back. 

It's now mid September..

Bob and I had broken up once in the space of the previous month, he made me believe it was me. I was so moody he couldn't date me that it frustrated him. I told him it was just things that was going on in that time and I'll be fine. I wouldn't be so moody with him, I would tell him everything I was thinking or what was upsetting me. I TOLD HIM I WOULD CHANGE TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP WORK!! We started dating again I was pretending to be happy, when really I was broken. It had been a year and a half since my ex and I broke up, I was not ready for this relationship. Bob and his ex had just recently broke up he was not ready. And in this moment and this particular situation two negatives DO NOT make a positive!  I had met up with Sylvester (he is Bobs best friend and my best friend of also 7 years). I can tell Sylvester anything, he knows me just as well as Angel does and hes not afraid to tell me how it is. But with this relationship situation he was with Bob on this one, Sylvester couldn't understand how seriously depressed I was. He told me I had so many people around me to talk too but what he didn't understand is that yes their are people you can talk to any time but people you can talk to who understand what your going through is a different story. He told me to just talk to Bob let him know how I was feeling... So guess what I did?  I told Bob not straight away it took a few days to think about. I said my anxiety was back and I was struggling with things, I said I kept having negative thoughts to the point where I was scaring myself. I broke down in tears. And after all that he couldn't relate he didn't understand what anxiety was. He said he used to think about self harming or times where no one needed him on Earth. But he said he didn't understand what anxiety was? I was confused anxiety is my biggest fear. It's something I only really started to have issues with since being Eighteen which is actually not that young. We were arguing constantly whether it was about Sylvester cause I could only talk to him or it be about his ex. Or it was him getting short with me. It was getting awful the messages were almost blackmail from him I thought maybe it was best if we ended it. He pulled the whole "I want this to work but if that's what you want line". I posted something on my personal Instagram which Gem read, she messaged me straight afterwards and asked me to go out for dinner with her to catch up have a chat. Hesitantly I said okay, what do I have to loose? I was still so vulnerable, I still felt like I had no friends. 

This is the moment I realised she was actually a true friend, Gem had nothing but my best intentions at heart.. 

I told her everything, how I was feeling, my anxiety, my ex, Sylvester, Bob and the toxic relationship we started to have, the negative thoughts that were scaring me, absolutely everything. With everything I told her she had nothing but wise words to give back, for once I had someone who could relate to my situation. I had someone who understood that in this moment Bob did not have my best intentions at heart in fact he didn't care but Sylvester did he just didn't know how to approach it. She gave me the little bit of strength I needed for this one moment that was guaranteed to happen at any point in time, it was just a matter of when? 

It's the end of September..

Well it's Friday my last day of work (the last day of this job I hated only because of the hours and the job itself, I loved the people.) It was Friday and Bob had agreed to go for dinner this night. Not only that I was trying to work out some plans with a friend in Auckland I hadn't seen in months who also was going through a tough time, I told her depending on dinner I'll head down afterwards. Auckland is like 2 hours away from where I lived so it really isn't a after late dinner drive. I get home from work almost feeling somewhat relief but also a gut feeling (intution more like), Bob was going to break up with me, something wasn't right. And then Bob facebook messaged me "I don't think we should go out for dinner. I don't think we should go out at all sorry." I didn't respond, I left it on seen. Automatic adrenaline rush (the little strength of Gem's voice in my head telling me I'm stronger than what I believe myself to be), I went to my room packed my bags and grabbed the bottle of alcohol that had been sitting in the corner of my room for months. I was going to Auckland and me and my girlfriends were gonna have a good night out. And well we definitely did. 

Fast forward to the end of October..

I am happy. I am at peace with few of the things that brought me so much negativity. I had a new job I was exceeding in, I had gained a solid group of girls the squad as we like to call ourselves. I was still unhappy with my living situation, I was staying at Sylvester's house almost every night of the week in the spare room. His mother was like my mother and always welcomed me over with open arms. But regardless of all of this I was pushing my break up to the back of my head. I was not letting myself be alone for over a day, I had to be with friends. I was running off their energies, their positivity to get me through the days.

07 June 2018

So you're probably wondering when I stop writing, or maybe your trying to figure out at what point did I talk to Bob again? Or what made me change my perspective of Gem? How I'm currently feeling? 

Well just to put you out of misery, I have spoken to Bob twice now and not by choice. Unfortunately being friends with Sylvester is difficult when Bob is his best friend because when I wanted to hang out with him, Bob was there too. And this is the moment when I realised what Bob's true colours were, how childish he really was. And if your wondering now, I am over the break up, I forgive him for everything that happened and if he reads this I hope hes happy and truly treats the girl hes with better.

What changed my perspective with Gem was Penelope was out of the situation.. Penelope is a lovely person but just hasn't found the right intentions with certain situations yet. What also happened in this space of time is we both had figured out our "best friends" were not actually true friends and through this and our past experiences our friendship became stronger. Gem genuinely had my back from the beginning I just didn't trust it enough. Really when we hung out previously I hardly knew her and she hardly knew me, we met threw a dance group and it was just dance group gatherings in the weekend that got us to hang out. Now shes one of my best friends. 

Currently I am content, I believe I am not the problem to my previous relationship the situation was the problem and not only my insecurities but Bob's insecurities as well. It was all a negative situation. 

I am now living in Surfers Paradise in the Gold Coast with in fact two of my squad girlfriends, one of them is Gem. What got me here was my journey with Bob, it made me realise that I was not happy in a small town any more. I need to be here, I'm here to discover myself more, love myself more, and live my best life. I have never personally looked at myself in the mirror throughout my life and appreciated who I was. 

Growing up I was bullied just for being the underprivileged girl in school or just for being me. I remember in intermediate we were watching a movie in class and all the girls besides one girl crowded at the back of the room and threw mandarins at me. ALL OF THEM. Laughing hysterically, one mandarin after another. In high school I got bullied by this girl and her friends because I hung out with a guy she liked, this guy was like a brother to me (never once did I think of him and still never think of him differently). I ended up not going to school for a bit because of that. So many times I cried at night unhappy, I hated my life, I hated school. I thought everyone was horrible. This all played a massive part of my insecurities and negative thoughts about myself.  

Meeting Gem has honestly been the best thing to happen she has made a horrible situation in my life turn into a inspiring story, a story I think about that makes me stronger. Since being friends with her she has made me see myself in a different view, I honestly look at myself in the mirror everyday and say "I love my curves, I am happy and grateful to be where I am." Because each day she teaches me new ways of loving myself and who I am.

I am truly grateful cause a year ago... that could've been my last days putting it into more realistic words. 

Moral of this story; take yourself out of the negative situation you are in. Bring some light to it, in doing that you will become stronger within yourself.